Though I always give Jin advice and all... I don't seem to make myself in any better position when it comes to my own problems ^^;;;
Looks like I can say but I can't do. But oh well.. *sheepish shrug shrug* I've long learned to let things go ^^;;; Being too stubborn and holding on too tightly to nothingness is plain sufferings sometimes. ^.~
MK had left me just recently. I mean really left. Yap, did cried like a mad woman. But the feeling is a little different I guess.
I had held big hopes. Planned out what I want to say to him when I get to hear his voice again over the phone after nearly 2 years. Planned out how I can slowly let him go. And thought of ways to let him leave in contented happiness.
But before I can carry out actions more than just mere thoughts, he left. HE LEFT. He left me ALONE again.
HOWEVER, since a fake truth was lied to me about 2 years ago, I've gotten used to the fact that he's gone. So learning to accept that he's really gone again this time, wasn't that much difficult.
I could have been left better alone actually ^^;;; but person A just have to be there. Not that I blame him of course. It's really great to have someone beside you right at the moment when you break down. Yes, I hate being seen on the weak side. But a part of me, feels comforted just to have someone around.
Even if the person does nothing, it's nice enough just to feel a warm presence. But nah.. he did try comforting me, and it really worked. ^^v
I didn't realise I was falling again. And when I did. It's too late. My fears aren't gone yet.
How can I love again? I've been hurt from being in love before. How can I repeat another source of my pain? How can i fall in love again??
I mean, at least not so soon -__-''. This is far too soon. And as my feelings get more and more confirmed each day, my fears arise more.
The touch of a holding hand holds more meanings to me when the hand belongs to someone of certain meanings in heart. It further confirmed my feelings... it further confirmed my fears.
I can be logical if I really want to. But I guess I'm too lazy to be strong now. I let my weaker side take over. I let myself run away in escape instead of bracing my fears face to face.
And...
I push you away.
Even if it stings my heart and brings me pain
I run away
From you
Because I can't allow myself
To run towards a knife
That will stab me right through.
I'm a coward. I run. I hide. I'll go anywhere just to be away from you. Because I fear. Because I love you. I decided not to post the entry about Living For Ownself, cos
Anyway, should be changing the layout soon (I've said that many times ^^;;). This time with a blue scheme perhaps!
Added Celest's bloggy, will be changing the links of Keax-nee and Lanie-kaasan =^.^= after I ask them first of course.
Btw, my newfound love for Shigure, Ayame, Hattori, Momiji and Furuba is growing everyday~~! v*.*v <-- hua chi... My tagboard doesn't allow me to post my lengthy replies.. so I'll post them here ^^"v
He who lives in Continuous Hell never dies. Longevity is a big hardship in Continuous Hell.
If I am in Continuous Hell, I can never die, even if I want to. Because I'm already in Hell.
However, because I can never die in Hell, I CONSTANTLY LIVE in Hell. Living Hell holds the most suffering, especially when you can't end the life.
Thus, in Yan's case, death is a form of jie3 fang4 for him. He managed to die in a Continuous Hell.
Wu2 Jian1 Dao4 is a hui1 se4 di4 dai4 (grey area), a clashing point that seperates the White and the Black. A habitant living in Wu Jian Dao must be very very VERY careful of his own steps. Because, if he steps too far to the right, it can be fatal; if he steps too far to the left, it can be fatal too.
Normally, habitants of Wu Jian Dao are neither good nor bad. They cannot do the right things that are too right, they cannot do the wrong things that are too wrong too. Hence, it is a suffocatingly restricted place they are living in.
They must be able to see for themselves, what is Good and what is Bad.
HOWEVER!!
No matter where you live in, the White side or the Black side, Death in this case may not necessarily mean jie3 fang4 already... ^.~
Frankly speaking, even if you live in Wu Jian Dao, as long as you have a strong mind, clear heart, VERY OPTIMISTIC thinking or a DRUNK-liked mind, you won't need death to gain freedom too. ^^;;;
Whether or not death brings you jie3 fang4, it all depends on how you handle your thoughts and feelings, as well as how you see things.
There's no ultimate misfortune in this world. You may think you're the most misfortunate, others may think that they are instead of you.
No one can scale out which is the MOST painful and which is the least. Everyone has different stories in their own life.
Even if two persons underwent the same misfortune, they are not the same person, they won't feel the same thing. One of them may see the misfortune as a lesson, the other may see it as a unfair treatment given to him/her.
People say those who chose death as a form of resolution are cowards. But at least they dared to venture into the unknowns of Death, with hope of finding the better there. They still carry hope, and they have the guts of knocking on Death's door.
While some people, they hate their life, they angst, they think life sucks. Since they hate life so much, why don't they go die?? If Life is so bad, why don't they choose Death? COWARDS. They don't have the guts to venture to the unknowns of death. They are afraid that Death may be worse than Life.
YET, they use excuses like "I don't choose Death as a form of escape, I want to live on no matter how hard it can be". HYPOCRITES. They still continued to angst about the whole damn Life.
But it's just normal. It's just so so normal to the world that they are the Brave ones, while those who chose Death are cowardic escapists.
No one will think that how much disrespects were slapped on the face to those who ventured into the unknowns of Death, in hope and search for the better.
No one will think how unfair it is to force them to bring along criticisms of being "selfish", "coward" etc into their graves, even when they had had enough misfortune in Living Life to force them into the end of it.
However. I AM a COWARD. I AM a HYPOCRITE. I'm a fucking asshole who don't know how much fortune myself is in already.
I angst, thinking I'm the most pitiful soul on Earth. I forgot how much disrespect that is to those who REALLY are in misfortune.
So who am I to say? Human. It's just a normal thing. A given fact that Human Instincts put us this way. (Not just humans, other animals are also like that.. But let's not get confusing ^^;;)
I can never get satisfied with what I already had. Whatever I have now is just not enough for me. Hence, I angst. I angst what is given to me is not enough. I angst what is not given to me is unfair. And what is given to me that I don't like? I angst even more.. ¬__¬"
I think my life is so bad. Yet, I don't choose to die. I still want to live though. Partly because I think I hadn't live enough. Mostly because I fear of hurting the people in my life AND I fear Death.
Therefore, whether Death is a form of jie3 fang4 is jian4 ren2 jian4 zhi4 de... It may be a form of jie3 fang4 to him, but it is not that case for her.
Life has a lot of questions that hold no ultimate answers. So is Death.
However, if you choose to die, thinking that it is good for you... what about others?
Your death may be good to you, but does that mean those people around you would like it? Won't the people in your life be hurt by your death?
Will you still choose to die even after you know your death will hurt many many people?
I will come to that later. It brings out what I've previously mentioned, that Chessy had argued so much on. *Poke poke Chessy*
I used to think the same way as Chess... just something came up and made me changed ba ^^;;;
Btw, one last thing before I end this. For those whose chose death, they may be brave, but they may not be smart ^^;;;
For those who chose to live on, they may not be brave, but they may just be the smartest. I'll get to this later too.
Ja' Matta na! I LOVE SHAWN YUE AND TONY LEONG! v*__*v Just watched Wu2 Jian1 Dao4 1 with Jin and Ru v^^v
Cried in this movie even more than I'd in Wu2 Jian1 Dao4 2.. (¬_¬)0
This movie depicts a lot of meanings.. from friendship to the indefinability of the clashing point of greyness where white meets black, where good meets bad.
The deaths in the movie particularly bring out the meanings targeted to be shown through with more impact.
I'm still brooding over Yan's death and Andy Lau's character still being left in the suffocating cliff-tipped position between the good and the bad. Wu2 Jian1 Dao4.
I find Jin's analysis real good, tho' she said she anyhow typed out de ^^;;;
Anyway, óne scene where Yan is talking with his psychologist reminds me that I will be in that dreadful position soon too ¬_¬"
Haiz.. Specialist Docs from KKH had sent a reference letter to arrange a psychologist for me ~.~
Darn.. now I'm classified as mentally unwell.
What the diglo! I mean look at me from head to toe!! There's nothing on me that proves me mentally unbalance! >.<
I have my family's bloodflow, god damn it. Like all my relatives and ancestors, we have the "sky falls down just use as blanky" attitude ^^;;; Stress just don't fit in with members of my family line...
Haiz.. but oh well {shrug shrug} If they insist.. I have no choice but to heed their advice and go face a darn "psychic" doc. I doubt the doc can get anything heartfelt or blablabla-painful-past-stories out of me though ^^;;;
I had just sewed my mouth together. =x
*.*v Shawn Yu (Yu Wen Le) and Tony Leong (Liang Chao Wei) shuai4 shuai4 shuai4 bao4 le!! Handsome~ *.*v {dreamy sigh} {drool~} I use myself as an example here. For simpler discription la ^.~
I know it will bring me pain, yet I still do what hurts myself.
*my heart does what my brain tells her not to*
My heart is mine... even though it doesn't obey my mind, it belongs to my body.. no logic has it that it will do things to hurt me.
But for me, it does! What logic can that be now?? I can only think of this...
My heart thinks that it is good for me to love Y. My heart loves Y. My heart thinks it's good for me. And for that, my heart has its own reason.
People say love needs no reason. But no way will my heart do things purposely to hurt myself. Even if i'm a sadist.
Even if i'm a sadist. When i cut myself to see myself bleed, I'm happy to see blood being lost out of me. I do it cos it makes me happy. My heart knows it makes me happy though it's hurting me.
I'm not a sadist though. I hate blood being taken out of me. I hate being hurt. Then why does my heart still does things that hurt me? Easy, what my heart does... actually doesn't hurt me. It's what I REALLY want. To have, to own, to live with.
But my mind? It's filled with logic. It's filled with knowledge. My mind, is filled with memories too. It tells me what my heart does not.
Because of the logic, knowledge and memories of past experiences, there will always be a hault before doing what my heart wants to do.
My mind will always think up of "WAIT! Don't do that! You will hurt yourself! Remember bla bla bla happened with bla bla bla? Remember how you're hurt by it??! So DON'T DO IT!". My mind will always think up of possibilites of both the good and the bad. My mind will think up of ways to improve the good and prevent the bad.
In the end, my mind ends myself up in confusion.
*my mind objects what my heart leads*
So is it the heart at fault? Or is it the mind?
If my heart doesn't feel the way whereby my mind will object. There will be no confusion. No inner war.
But it happens vice versa.
If my mind doesn't think so much, doesn't interfere... my heart can live free with no bounds. A heart of no restrictions enables one to do things that makes ownself happy.
If only my mind doesn't interfere... There will be no confusion. No inner war.
My heart: choose things that make the body happy.
My mind: choose things that protect the body.
I haven't give a clear answer in the end. That's because I have no right to choose any answer for anyone. I have my own life in my hands. You have yours in your hands. I can't take your life out of your hands and choose any path for you. It's not fair to you.
Even if i'm honoured with the trust. I fear to be responsible for any pain caused by the decision I chose for you.
In my case. I let my heart win over my mind. Why?
Whatever it is.. I can't let my mind choose what my overall wants.THAT is my Heart's job.
I can't let what my heart feels protect myself. THAT is my Mind's job.
My heart choose what it wants. I follow my heart.
Whatever happens, I let my mind go do the thinking and try to resolve conflicts. If my mind can't resolve conflicts... why torture myself by thinking more? When thinking more only brings more confusion to myself?
When my mind can't win over fate and destiny? I'll let my heart do the job again. Let my heart wander and let it choose its own path that ignores all the path that fate and destiny had laid out for me.
My life is in my hands. My heart is mine. So is my mind. Only if they co-operate, leave when they should and work when they should, then I can win over fate and destiny. Then i can have no fear over even my biggest fear.
I know I can be strong if I want to. I have to. Because I need to protect myself. Human Instinct. Oh.. now i know. ^^;; JZ broke/fractured his arm. Happened 2 days ago and he still haven't gone to see a doc yet -__-
Really lor! He's being suicidal ~.~ Don't know what happened to JZ today... >_<
He.. I'm not very sure... seemed like "the body there, but the heart and mind not there" de...
He even looked somewhat erm.. pale [^^"?] to me... Looked as if he's 99.9995% worn out of energy. Hehe... then I still make him return Jin's books to library even though I was thinking of going upstairs ^^;;;;
Haiz.. come to think of it.. I want to KO myself now. -_-''
Don't know.. maybe ask him later ba... Will be changing the layout soon and the stupid chromeless >_<, since holidays're going to start soon. Will be concerntrating on Kudos Tribute too. It's been on hold too long for its own good ^.~
I'm thinking of making K!T's layout a frame one.. helps save all the uploading works to counteract my still-lacking knowledge of php (¬_¬)0
For this rather nonexistent bloggy, the layout may mostly be changed to one that scrolls and scrolls and scrolls all the way to neverland ^^;;; Nah.. jus kidding.. I'll tire my own eyes before I tire anyone else if I do that... I've learned to let go since so long ago, so it can't be that hard letting go now.
Thanks more than a million to all those who gave and are still giving me support and comfort.
No matter how much I try to deny it, I'm not as strong as I'd like to be...
Thank you Din for being honest with me.. and waking me up somehow... Hee! Oh.. and don't worry, I'll be strong for myself as well as all the people around me de. *promised*
Thank you Jin for being there. Thank you JZ for being there right before I snapped.
Haven't been crying like that for a long time now... much less crying without emotion ^^;;;
Managed to pull back afterall tho' ^.~v
oh well... *shrug shrug* FIGHT! FIGHT!! I know what is good for me... and what is not
My brain tells me what my heart doesn't follow
Maybe the reason is to find some reassurance
or my curiosity got the better
or i'm just simply attracted...
... to you
Afraid to fall too deep
Fear that there won't be an end to the hole
Or there won't be a rope for me to climb
I don't want to
I fear to wish to
... but I did
I'm falling for you... Fuck it.
And I thought I was so happy that I managed to complete my History paper -completely- for the first time, that I'm motivated even more so by it.
Fuck it now. The more I climbed, the more risk I'm at for falling harder and hurting myself. Now? I crashed. Hurts like hell. And I really doubt if I have the energy and motivation to climb again...
Was real happy yesterday too.
Satisfied that I managed to comprehend all the A-maths chapters and complete 3 revision papers from two different t-y-s, with most anwers correct too.
Was even more cheered by the fact that I managed to read finish the whole 12 chapters of Physics and even wrote down the notes of important points.
All of which I accomplished within the time-pace I set myself in.
BUT, my bloody health just have to bloodyhell screw my whole life to hell and back. Fuck it. Fuck it all.
Damn it! What have I done?? All I wish is to be able to show my efforts are not wasted. That I'm of a certain standard of capabilty to promote to sec 4 with all the others. Is that sooo much? What have I done wrong?
Screw it... there's always no explanation. Always! I'm fucking tired...
My conscious:
"Now... you already knew and understood since long time ago. You simply get into this life, whether you like it or not.
There are others in worse situation than you.
You know you are strong enough to fight it. But if you lose, you just do.
The most important is to face what you have in the present. In this case, your favourite Geography, which will be tested tommorow."
Shut the bloodyhell up! Stupid conscious! I'm angsting and procrastinating here damn it! Stupid conscious, you can jolly well get out of my head and sew your idiotic mouth, just leave me alone.
Somebody: "You have a really strong mind. But that doesn't mean your body, your health, is of the same stage as your mind. You are hurting yourself unknowingly..."
DAMN IT! I DO NOT have a strong mind! I'm a female teen with occurance of PMS, and I have my dreams, I have FEELINGS!
Now that I crashed, I let all those people (who had helped me) down, my energy went wasted, my motivation was taken away and my target was driven even further.
It's natural for me to be depressed! I'm humiliated, drained and stabbed right in the heart. Of course I will cry.
I don't have any real ambition. All I ever hoped for is in the present. All I wanted is to get over and done with the exams smoothly and hopefully get to sec 4 next year. Is that too much to ask???
I find myself getting into a serious state of angst and sadism...
Okay! Enough of my complaining! ^__^v Hee... Usual angsting drives me back on track... no matter how weird that sounds ^^;;;;
So I've tortured myself when I lost the chance to prove my A-Maths and Physics skills, which I've trained so hard to get. But BLECH! That's the past... heck care the past =p
Will be concerntrating on Geog now... Yeepee! But I just hope that my hands won't die out on me during tommorow's paper. I mean, FOUR structured questions!! Who are you trying to kid??! I can't even finish 2 on time!
Will have to compete for the World's Fastest Writer title tommorow ^.~
To whoever up there, *stick my tongue out* ;P!
Maybe I'm some ultimate world criminal in my previous life, that you need to punish me in this life. However... who cares you XDDD
You chose to give me a life. Hence, It is rightfully MINE. I choose what kind of life I will have and where it will head. Nanny nanny boo poo. =p
I'll like to say a big SORRY to Joyce, Jin and Junzhang for letting you all down.
You all willingly spend your own precious time to help me in my A-Maths. Yet, I just totally put it all to waste by simply not taking the paper (¬_¬)
I owe you guys a lot. Really sorry... *bows low and kao tow*
Btw... WHY IS IT ALWAYS A-MATHS???! Darn... I'll get my hands and ink on a A-Maths paper no matter what!
I am stronger than you think. Besides, crying is simply not for me. -Kaa Boom-
EH??! Where am I?? Why am I in front of the compy? Where's my ss books??!! o.O;;
ok.. I'm amusing myself... (¬__¬)
I'm supposed to be studying Social Studies (super sleep-y topic) for tommorow's final term exams but I decided to take a break (my 208 times today..) ^0^
Can't believe myself...
I'm all freakish one minute about "Die! Die!! I'm doomed this time with so many subjects I've not studied!!"...
another minute, I'm chilling or goofing around, trying to balance on a water bottle, singing "this is not the end of the world..!"
--______________--!! Seriously now, if I really flung my exams, I only have myself to blame.
Hm... I'm being an absolute hypocrite now, cos' while I'm typing how bad I feel about my own laziness and all, my inner thoughts are "I want Ice Cream... I want to play 'The Ultimate Poor' later"...
Oh well, GOOD LUCK AND ALL THE BEST to all of us taking the exams! *splashes holy water* I wonder why... I fell into a sudden solemness of some sort... probably mood swing, a serious kind...
I feel like shutting my self up totally, never talk, never smile.
Happened before, but that's so long ago... Wonder what came again that makes me feel angsty all over again.
To say the least, my life is almost perfect.
I have a great life, with family who loves me, friends who support me and a certain future waiting for me.
Something's missing though... I wonder what it is. Why am I not satisfied? I should be contented with what I have. It's a sin to ask for more.
What is mine is a blessing, what isn't is not to be blamed ^.~
Still...
What is it? What is missing??
Hell... I don't even understand what I'm posting about ¬__¬
I know... It's more than just missing someone.
Yes, I am missing someone very dearly. But that's not all.